Docentship Lecture

Yesterday, I gave a docentship lecture which is an obligatory teaching test for those applying for admittance as docent. It is a weird experience because you give a lecture but you know that you will be evaluated for it. You act like the audience is formed of students but actually they are your colleagues. You normally let students ask questions whenever they want but this time you cannot allow that because folowing the time requirement is a must. It is an interesting experience in so many levels.

I never get nervous about a lecture and I like that about myself. I am always prepared and I love teaching but I am always nervous when it comes to exams. I mean, did you read any of my earlier posts? I look cool from the outside, but actually I am a combination of self doubt, fluctuating confidence and quite thick hard shell :D.

I wanted to share this post today to celebrate an accomplishment and pat myself on the back. But I also wanted to talk about something else. Before and after the talk some of my colleagues and friends were expressed how surprised they were to see me nervous. One of my friend kindly asked how I feel a night before. And I told her that I am nervous. She was shocked, she said “so even you can be nervous” .

So apparently, there is a belief that some people are immune to such anxieties. On my way home, I realized that a part of my nervousness stems from this very belief—the notion that some people are always cool, calm, and collected, their voices never wavering during talks, lectures, or seminars.  But we all do, we are all ball of self doubt and we all want to do our best in this kind of situations. It is OK to be nervous and stresses. It shows how much we care about it, it shows how important this event is for us. Next time, I will certainly remind myself that it is fine to be feel like this and there is probably no way for me to avoid it because I care about the work I do and I want to do it as good as possible all the time. You should do the same. We should own it, otherwise people will always have the belief that it is a weakness and successful people do not feel nervous. Deep down, we all know that it is not true.

Here are some photos that my wonderful colleagues took during the lecture. I cannot express enough gratitude to everyone who attended, both in person and online. Events like these remind me of how fortunate I am to have a supportive network of family, friends, and colleagues who always show up for me. If I managed to regain my composure after the initial slides, it is because the people who were in the audience with loving smiles, who hugged me before the talk, who sent me messages, who shared the event with others, who took the time to be there with me, and who run after me at T-centralen to wish me a good luck!

Thank you! I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you—my family, friends, and colleagues!